“Every morning you have two choices: continue to sleep with your dreams, or wake up and chase them.” - Unknown
I have never claimed to be an optimistic person, in fact I describe myself as the opposite because I don't want to be disappointed. By there is one, key part of my personality that mean I'm not as pessimistic as I think I am: I'm a dreamer.
I'm motivated by my dreams, and I didn't know how much wanting something contributed to my outlook on life, and my success, until now. When you have a dream or a goal that you are working towards, even when you encounter set backs, you never fail because you can't fail unless you give up and your dreams give you the motivation to never give up.
There have been so many things in my life that I have given up on, but my true dreams have never been thrown to the wayside. The only time that I have given up on a dream is when I no longer saw it as a dream anymore.
When I was young, by which I mean eight or nine years old, I wanted to be a fashion designer. I used to go round my Nan's house every Saturday and I would sit and ask her "What should I design?" and together we would come up with different collections and outfits. That was my dream because I knew I would always be too short to be a fashion model, I'm still only five feet tall on a good day, but being a designer was a way to still be in what I saw as a glamorous world. It was also my dream because it was something that my Nan encouraged and supported me in, and so it was something that made me feel invincible.
I've had a lot of other dreams in my life. I've wanted to act, to dance, for a short while I wanted to be a photographer. But there are two dreams that have remained with me, and that I would live and die by. Since I was eleven I've wanted to be a writer, and since the age of twelve I've seriously wanted to study English at a top University. English has always been a subject I'm good at, but my love for it derives from the escapism that I have always found in stories. When I don't want to think about the world around me, I turn to books or TV shows, movies or even plays and poetry. That is similarly why I wish to be a writer, and why I am a writer in my own estimation, so it's more accurate to say I wish to be a successful, published author. Writing has been my way to express things I've been too scared to work through in real life, so I do it through the persona of another. I have truly found myself through writing, I've also lost myself there and written my way back to who I am. But more than that, writing is a way for me to freeze a moment in time, and for me to keep a detailed record of the emotions I've felt at any one given moment.
My dreams are my dreams because they are what can get me out of bed on days when I don't think leaving the confines of warmth and oblivion is possible. I don't let other people try and dictate to me what they think my dreams should be. Just because I was always good at science, that doesn't mean I have to want to be a doctor. I'm just fortunate enough that I've also always been good at the subjects that let me create through my personality, and therefore let me create what is uniquely my own.
So, through all of my dreams, I often focus so much on my future that I forget to look at the happiness that can found in the here and now. One of my biggest fears is being so caught up in wishing for the future, that all my dreams come true yet I'm too focused on what I'm doing next, to fully appreciate the weight of my success. I'm also scared that I let moments of happiness pass me by that I may never be able to experience with the same people again, because I'm not paying enough attention to the life I'm currently living.
So dreams are great, they are the foundations on which I am built, but I'm starting to realise that they cannot be the be all and end all in my life. I have to find a balance, between putting in the work to build my future, and stopping to appreciate the small moments that are happening here and now. It's the only way that I won't be doomed to forever be searching for happiness, but rather know when to grasp it with both hands. With that, I think I'm ready to stop walking through life with my guard up, I no longer want to constantly expect the worst because that also means I'm shielded from all the good that life has to offer. But I also don’t want to lose the sarcasm or the memories or the pain that has shaped me. If I’m no longer shielding myself from the good, that also means I’m not shielding myself from the bad. I’m just going to allow myself the opportunity to feel alive.
From what I can tell, my salvation and my destruction come packaged the same way, all wrapped up in the wish to feel alive. In order to open myself up to all that could cause me to thrive, I must also open myself to what may cause my downfall. All I can do is hope that the work I’m pouring into myself, trying to ensure that this work in progress is constantly evolving, is acknowledged and rewarded. I’ve decided that I will work my hardest, but it is fate that has the final say on where I end up. For now I will bask in the glory of being motivated by my dreams.
This is me opening myself up to everything life has to offer, and willing positivity towards me by putting less negativity out into the world, without losing sight of everything that has made me into who I am.
Your stage is waiting.
Hollie x
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