Standing Toe to Toe with Failure

"We stick together as one, always and forever."

- The Vampire Diaries

For the longest time, my biggest fear has been failure. So much so that, for many years, I didn’t bother to try. As soon as something got too much, as soon as there was risk, I either gave in and silenced my voice or pushed people away. That has only ever been amplified by expectations, my own expectations by also those of other people. I was fine with being a loner and detached from everyone around me, until that meant that people expected me to not care. Then I began to care too much, at the mere scent of a battle, I entered into it with full armour ready to cut down my enemy. I wanted to prove that I hadn’t given up, that I was still fighting even if my fight before had been silent. But the worst expectations are not when you’re proving people wrong, it’s when you’re trying to prove people right.

I’ve always been academically smart, and for the majority of my life people have recognised that, so much so that for a while I thought that was the only thing people knew about me. "That's Hollie, and she’s smart, she’s a brainiac, things come easy to her". The issue with that, specifically when it came to GCSEs and coming up to A Levels, is the expectations people have of me are extremely high. If I get less then the best, I’m scared people won’t see me how they used to. But on top of that, I’m scared people will think I didn’t try. As much as I can tell myself that I have done as much work as possible, that I have tried my hardest, I always wonder if there's more I could have done to get one grade higher, or another mark in a test. I strive for perfection because I feel like it’s what’s expected of me, which makes me 100 times more tough on myself. No matter how ill I make myself with stress, how exhausted I am from missing sleep, how anxious and mentally unwell I make myself with never seeing what I do as good enough, none of that can change the fact that I constantly believe I could achieve higher.

As someone who believes in bravery, in having the courage to face the things that terrify us, the things that make our hearts drop and our lungs restrict, I believe the bravest thing anyone can do is stand toe to toe with fear and continue in spite of it. Every aspiration I have ever had, had meant getting in the face of failure, and persevering in spite of failure being distinct possibility. Building ourselves up, and acknowledging the possibility of falling, is the only way that any of us can succeed with the wild passion and amazing beauty that I know each one of you is capable of. That doesn't have to be academically, it could be creatively, or in sport, in making friends, in volunteering, in making a change, even getting out of bed in the morning. Anything that you view as important is worth challenging yourself for, in order to do the most you possible can. But I know that is easier said than done.

We are the hardest critics on ourselves. No matter what you think other people expect, nobody can say more hurtful words to you than you can. But we should not be cutting ourselves down or thinking less of ourselves because of what we believe other people to expect. You could spend a lifetime trying to make other people happy, but the one day they will remember of you most fondly is the day you lighted your own face with a smile.

As students, there is so much expected of us. So much that we seem to not care about, yet we stay up into the early morning to make sure gets done. We try and balance working, studying and socialising to the point that we can seem to do all of them to the extreme. But the thing is, we get told our job is to be students. It isn’t just that, it more than that. Our job is to be true to ourselves, to work hard but not forget to look after ourselves, to understand the value of friendship, to love and live louder than anything, to watch sunsets and sunrises without going to sleep, to enjoy every beat of our hearts and to find ourselves, all while trying to understand this long, weaving maze that is education. It overwhelming and full of expectations that we amplify to make it seem almost impossible to achieve all that we wish to. But if we don’t give ourselves a break from judgement, nobody else is ever going to.

The quote at the top of this post is about loyalty. I’ve talked about the importance of loyalty for years, but what I’m only just starting to learn is how important it is to be loyal to myself. I urge all of you to do the same. Only when you realise what is truly important to you, once you realise where your heart lies, is when you will be able to stand toe to toe with failure. That doesn't mean you won't be afraid, and it doesn't guarantee success no matter how much I wish it did. But it does mean that you won't end up saying, "if only I had done more". If I can believe my promise to the people I love that I will stand by them, stand by their choices and their happiness; that I will do what is best for them and will apologise for my wrong doings; that I will defend them and their actions to the ends of this earth. If I can promise all of that to the ones I love, then I can promise myself always and forever. I can promise to stand by who I am, and to protect myself but also wish the best for myself. We all know how important it is to be loyal to those we care about, but I think it's time the we start considering ourselves as part of that equation.

Believe in yourself and other people will believe you too. But even if they don't, you're own belief will always be more than enough to carry you through.

Your stage is waiting.

Hollie x

#failure #fearoffailure #students #studentfears #life #reality #bravery